“God, please let me not be gay”
“Please, God send me a wonderful Godly man to marry so that I can rid my attraction to women”
“God, I don’t know who I am without you, I know I shouldn’t feel like this, I know its sinful. Make me more like Jesus and less like me”
These are just some of the prayers I have prayed over the years. During my teenage years – the most identity forming years, I hated this part of myself. I was told by my church that it was sinful, that it was something that I was choosing, not something that was a part of my natural makeup.
I remember thanking God, that I wasn’t only attracted to women. I’m not completely ruined I thought. I thought that I could ignore that part of me and just pray (relentlessly) for a ‘good christian man’ to marry.
Homophobia Isn’t Always From Others
Sure, I have had people be blatantly homophobic. However, that was nothing compared to what I had inflicted on myself and sadly onto other people.
Some of my greatest pain has come from the harm I inflicted onto other Queer people because I thought I was doing what God wanted me to. Born out of my own self-hatred and shame.
One of the most visual analogies I give of my own struggle is having one foot on either side of the Grand Canyon. Each side representing my faith and my sexuality, I had each side pulling and the result was that I felt like I was being ripped apart.
What Is Internalised Homophobia?
Internalised homophobia refers to the internalisation and acceptance of negative societal attitudes, beliefs, and stereotypes about homosexuality or same-sex attraction by individuals who identify as LGBTQIA+.
It is a process by which individuals, due to social conditioning or personal experiences, adopt and internalise the negative messages and stigma associated with their own sexual orientation. Internalised homophobia can lead to feelings of shame, self-rejection, and self-hatred. As well as a reluctance to embrace one’s own identity and engage in authentic self-expression.
It isn’t always something people are consciously aware of. It can manifest subtly, influencing behaviours and feelings without the person realising it. These unconscious biases are ingrained from societal attitudes, family, and religious belief systems.
The Impact Is Profound
Internalised homophobia can have a significant impact on individuals’ self-esteem and mental health. This is just some of what we can see:
- Avoidance of Queer Spaces. Individuals may distance themselves from LGBTQIA+ spaces and communities as a way to avoid confronting their own sexual orientation or to prevent others from discovering it. This isolation can further exacerbate feelings of loneliness and internal conflict.
- Internalised Shame. A common manifestation of internalised homophobia is a deep sense of shame and self-hatred. Individuals may feel unworthy, defective, or sinful because of their sexual orientation.
- Fear of Rejection & Judgement. People with internalised homophobia may have an intense fear of being rejected or judged by others, particularly family, friends, or religious communities. This fear can lead to a constant need for validation and approval.
- Compulsive Heterosexuality. Some individuals may engage in compulsive heterosexuality, such as entering into heterosexual relationships or marriages, in an attempt to prove their own heterosexuality to themselves or others. Remember, my prayers from above – that’s what was happening.
- Self-Denial & Suppression. Individuals may deny or suppress their own sexual orientation, attempting to conform to societal expectations or norms. They may even convince themselves that they are not LGBTQIA+ or try to “pass” as heterosexual.
- Negative Self-Talk. Internalised homophobia often leads to negative self-talk and self-criticism. Individuals may constantly berate themselves for their sexual orientation, feeling deep shame and guilt.
What Needs To Happen?
We have to talk about it!
Challenging heteronormative beliefs and attitudes, both in society and in churches. Pushing back on strict gender roles and expectations that define heterosexual marriage as the default and only option. These norms can create pressure to conform to societal expectations of gender identity and expression, leading to feelings of confusion, self-doubt, and a sense of not fitting in.
In order to address internalised homophobia we must challenge the external messages that young people are told.
Addressing and overcoming internalised homophobia is crucial for promoting positive self-esteem and mental health among LGBTQIA+ individuals.
If this is something you are battling with – seeking support from LGBTQIA+-affirming communities, therapy, and education can play a vital role in this process of healing and self-acceptance.
Reach Out If You Would Like Support
I offer therapy for those in the LGBTQIA+ community. Sessions can be online or in person in Goulburn, NSW.
Contact me here. You can also connect with me over on Instagram – @anchoredcounsellingservices