When you leave the church, you experience a myriad of emotions; you feel loss, sadness, loneliness and perhaps relief. What is often not talked about is the anger that is felt, especially if you were in a church where anger was discouraged.
When I was forced out of my church community, I had a lot of anger – and rightly so. There were (still are) days where I want to just burn it all down, I call these my ‘Rage Days’. The thing about anger though, is that if you try to live there – you get burned also.
What is Religious Trauma?
If you are new to this concept of Religious Trauma; you can read about it here in my other blogs.
It is important here to understand that trauma is not what happens to you. It is not the event or the actions; trauma is what happens inside of you because of what happens outside of you.
The Religious Trauma Institute defines religious trauma as; “The physical, emotional, or psychological response to religious beliefs, practices, or structures that is experienced by an individual as overwhelming or disruptive and has lasting adverse effects on a person’s physical, mental, social, emotional, or spiritual well-being.”
Broad right? It also means that what will be traumatic for one person, may not be for another.
The Role of Anger in Religious Trauma
When people go through trauma, it can often trigger our body’s natural survival responses. It is then no surprise that because anger is an emotion related to our survival instinct, that we would experience it when going through something traumatic.
Anger is a natural response to trauma. We feel angry when we see or experience injustice or are the victim of harm, when we have been betrayed or exploited. These are also reasons people may leave or are forced out of the church. Injustice, abuse, harm, betrayal, exploitation. Ringing any bells?
I know that I could tick all of those boxes; and so it is valid for you to feel angry. But remember you can’t live there, so what can you do with all the anger?
Expressing Anger
It’s easy to feel ‘stuck’ in your anger, unsure of what to do with all the emotion. It is important to remember though, that anger is an emotion – its not something to control but something to feel. Acknowledging and accepting your anger is the first step to expressing it. You can do this with a trusted support person or a therapist; learning to see your emotions as guides and signals rather than good or bad.
It is instinctual to express our anger in an aggressive way, on the other hand, we can’t physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us. We have to learn other ways to hold our anger.
- Therapeutic Support: Seek professional help, it provides a safe space to explore and express your anger. Therapists specialising in religious trauma can offer valuable insights and coping strategies.
- Community Connection: I would suggest connecting with supportive communities or individuals who have gone through similar experiences. Sharing stories and experiences can help validate emotions and provide a sense of belonging.
- Mindfulness Practices: Introduce mindfulness techniques to help you ground yourself in the present moment. Mindfulness can be a powerful tool in managing the intensity of emotions, including anger, during the trauma recovery.
- Journalling: The practice of journalling as a means of self-reflection can be very beneficial. Writing can provide an outlet for expressing and processing anger, allowing you to gain clarity on your thoughts and emotions.
- Exploration of New Belief Systems: Exploring alternative belief systems or spiritual practices that align with your evolving perspectives. This exploration can contribute to a sense of purpose and peace amidst the deconstruction.
The Intersection of Anger & Deconstruction
Deconstruction is a term used to describe the conscious and critical examining of core beliefs; often questioning the fundamental parts of your faith. It can be both liberating and challenging, grappling with the discrepancies and teachings you grew up with.
- Questioning Beliefs: As you embark on the path of deconstruction, you inevitably encounter moments of profound questioning. This introspection can trigger anger as you confront discrepancies and inconsistencies.
- Loss of Certainty: Deconstruction often involves letting go of long-held certainties. This uncertainty can be unsettling, leading to frustration and, anger as you navigate the discomfort of not having clear answers.
- Navigating Betrayal: Sometimes, the realisation that your faith may not align with your values or experiences can feel like a profound betrayal. Anger may emerge as a natural response to this perceived betrayal, whether from religious institutions, leaders, or even from oneself.
- Fear of Rejection: The fear of being rejected by one’s religious community or facing social consequences can intensify feelings of anger. The process of deconstruction may involve facing the potential loss of relationships, adding an emotional layer to the experience.
Finding Peace
I have been where you are, seething in anger, bitterness and resentment. I want you to know, you can find peace and purpose again, it won’t always feel easy and you do need to do the work; but healing is possible.
Healing often involves rediscovering and reconnecting with your authentic self. Explore your values, interests, and passions outside the confines of previous belief systems, allowing yourself to redefine your identity on your own terms. Sometimes, this involves finding new meaning to things like joy, peace, love, goodness, or grace that are often associated with religion.
Rediscover who you are, Reclaim your identity and Rise in your wholeness.
What Now?
It was incredibly healing for me to hear other’s stories which is why I started a podcast for exactly that; Beyond the Surface shares stories of religious trauma and deconstruction. You can listen here.
If you would like therapeutic support, please reach out. I offer therapy worldwide (except US & Canada), you can use this contact form.
If you are in the US or Canada; I have many connections to Religious Trauma Therapists and so reach out over on Instagram and I will point you in the right direction for your state.