Shame is a powerful force. It’s sneaky, subtle, and can make you question everything about yourself. When shame intertwines with spiritual gaslighting, it becomes a tool that silences you, keeping you small, afraid, and convinced that speaking up would only expose your flaws even more. I’ve lived this. I know what it’s like to feel shame wrapping around your voice, making it hard to say, “This isn’t right,” or even admit that you’re hurting.
What Is Spiritual Gaslighting?
To start, spiritual gaslighting is when someone uses spiritual or religious beliefs to manipulate, dismiss, or invalidate your emotions, experiences, or needs. It’s a tactic that often leaves you questioning your own perception of reality. When we add shame to the mix, it becomes even harder to push back or stand up for yourself.
The messages you hear might sound like:
- “If you were really faithful, you wouldn’t feel this way.”
- “You’re just being selfish or sinful—good Christians don’t get upset about these things.”
- “Maybe your struggle is because you don’t trust God enough.”
But shame takes it further. It tells you, “You’re the problem. If you speak out, you’ll only prove how broken you are.” And so, you stay silent.
How Shame Amplifies Spiritual Gaslighting
Shame isn’t just a passing feeling of embarrassment. It’s deeper, more corrosive. It can make you believe that there’s something inherently wrong with you, that you’re unworthy of love or acceptance. When spiritual gaslighting is at play, shame makes you believe that not only are you wrong for feeling hurt, but that you’re spiritually inadequate for even having those feelings.
I remember moments where I questioned everything about myself—my faith, my worth, my ability to trust my own intuition. Every time I felt anger or doubt rise up, I’d quickly stuff it down with thoughts like, “I shouldn’t feel this way. Maybe I’m just not strong enough in my faith.” It wasn’t until later, after I began to untangle myself from the grip of spiritual gaslighting, that I realised those feelings were valid, and they weren’t signs of spiritual failure.
The shame that comes with gaslighting isn’t just about silencing you; it’s about making you feel so unworthy that you don’t even believe you deserve to speak up. It makes you feel like a “bad Christian,” a “doubter,” or a “failure”—someone who should be quiet and accept the spiritual message you’ve been given, even if it’s hurting you.
Why Shame Works So Well
Shame works because it’s isolating. When you feel shame, you don’t want to reach out to others.
You don’t want to say, “Hey, this thing that’s happening to me doesn’t feel right,” because part of you believes you are the thing that’s wrong. And for many people, especially in religious environments, the fear of judgment or rejection can be overwhelming. We’re taught that our spiritual community is supposed to be a source of love, support, and truth—but what happens when that community uses spiritual language to gaslight and shame us into silence?
It feels like a betrayal, and that betrayal reinforces the shame. You begin to believe that if the people you trust—the leaders, the mentors, the friends—are all saying these things, then you must be the issue. You’re the one who needs to change, to be more faithful, more trusting, more accepting of the “spiritual wisdom” they’re offering. And this keeps you stuck.
My Own Experience With Shame
For me, shame was a quiet voice that grew louder over time.
At first, it whispered when I had doubts: “What if you’re just not trusting enough?” Then it became more insistent: “You’re not good enough. You’re not faithful enough. Who are you to question anything? If you were truly spiritual, this wouldn’t bother you.”
I remember the weight of those feelings—how they pressed down on me, making it seem impossible to speak up. Not wanting to be seen as weak or “less than” in my faith, I stayed silent, even though my heart was screaming that something was off. I gaslit myself into believing that any discomfort or pain was a reflection of my own spiritual shortcomings. The shame kept me from asking for help, from reaching out, and from confronting the spiritual gaslighting head-on.
Breaking Free From The Cycle
So, how do you break free from the cycle of shame and spiritual gaslighting?
It starts with recognising that shame thrives in isolation. When you shine a light on it, when you speak about your experiences—whether to a trusted friend, therapist, or even in your own journaling—the shame starts to lose its power.
- Acknowledge Your Feelings: The first step in breaking free is recognising that your feelings are valid. If something feels off, trust that instinct. Don’t gaslight yourself into thinking it’s a lack of faith or spiritual weakness. Your emotions are telling you something important.
- Name the Shame: When you feel shame creeping in, name it. Say to yourself, “This is shame, and it’s trying to keep me quiet.” Sometimes just identifying it can help break its hold on you.
- Challenge the Narrative: Spiritual gaslighting often comes with messages that tell you you’re not enough. Challenge those messages. Ask yourself, “Is this really true? Or is this something I’ve been conditioned to believe?” Remember, spiritual truth should never come at the cost of your mental or emotional well-being.
- Find Safe Spaces: Healing from shame and gaslighting often requires finding people who get it. Whether it’s a supportive community, a therapist, or an online group, seek out spaces where you can be heard and validated. You deserve to be in environments that uplift, not tear down.
- Offer Yourself Compassion: This is probably the hardest step, but also the most important. Shame tells you that you don’t deserve compassion, but the truth is, you do. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate the messy, complicated feelings that come with spiritual gaslighting. Healing takes time.
What Happens When You Break The Silence
When you finally break the silence that shame has created, something powerful happens. You begin to reclaim your voice and you start to see that your feelings, experiences, and even your doubts are valid. You learn that spiritual growth doesn’t come from suppressing your emotions, but from confronting them with honesty and compassion.
For me, it wasn’t until I began to speak up—first in small ways, then more boldly—that I realised how much shame had held me back. Once I started to name the shame and call out the gaslighting, I found a freedom I didn’t know was possible. I could still have faith, but it was a faith rooted in authenticity, not fear.
Taking The Next Step
Shame is a tool of spiritual gaslighting that thrives in the dark, keeping us silent and disconnected from our own truth. But the moment we start to speak up, to acknowledge the shame and challenge the lies we’ve been told, we begin to break free.
You don’t have to stay quiet and you don’t have to hide your doubts, your pain, or your truth. You deserve to be seen, heard, and supported on your journey—without shame, and without gaslighting.
If shame or spiritual gaslighting is holding you back, therapy can help you reclaim your voice and heal. Reach out today—let’s work together to untangle those painful experiences and find the path toward your true self. You deserve support.