When I first started hearing the phrase spiritual abuse, I’ll admit that it felt a little abstract and I was pretty resistant to it. Abuse is something we often associate with physical violence, emotional manipulation, or coercion. But spiritual abuse? That sounded almost… benign, even accidental. The truth is, nothing about spiritual abuse is benign. It can be just as damaging and sometimes more insidiously so because it attacks the very core of who someone believes they are, their values, and their sense of safety in the world.
If you’re reading this, chances are you want to understand it better, whether because you’ve experienced it yourself, care about someone who has, or want to be a more informed ally. This is here to help with exactly that: spotting the signs, understanding the impact, and practical ways to support survivors.
What Spiritual Abuse Looks Like
First off, let’s define what we’re talking about. Spiritual abuse happens when a person’s religious or spiritual beliefs are used to control, manipulate, shame, or coerce them. It’s often perpetrated by leaders, authority figures, or even loved ones who use religious language, rules, or fear of divine punishment to maintain power. But here’s the kicker: it can also happen within families, peer groups, or communities, and sometimes even unintentionally, because of rigid doctrines or unexamined belief systems.
Here are some common forms of spiritual abuse:
- Shaming and guilt: “If you really loved God, you wouldn’t…” or “You’re sinning if you think that way.”
- Control disguised as guidance: Dictating life choices (career, relationships, lifestyle) under the guise of “spiritual wisdom.”
- Fear-based manipulation: Threatening eternal punishment, social ostracism, or “God’s wrath” for disobedience.
- Isolation from dissenting voices: Cutting off, shunning or discouraging contact with people or ideas that challenge the controlling authority.
- Exploitation: Financial, sexual, or labor exploitation justified by religious teachings.
- Spiritual bypassing: Using spiritual language to invalidate someone’s emotions, trauma, or experiences.
It’s important to note that spiritual abuse doesn’t always look dramatic or overt. Often, it’s subtle and persistent. A survivor may not even recognise what happened until years later, because these dynamics are woven into the very fabric of their upbringing or community.
Why Spiritual Abuse is So Damaging
Unlike other forms of trauma, spiritual abuse attacks identity itself. It doesn’t just tell you you’re wrong; it tells you you’re fundamentally broken. For many survivors, the fallout isn’t just psychological, it’s existential. They may question:
- Their sense of morality: “Am I a good person?”
- Their worldview: “Is God even good?”
- Their ability to trust: “Can I trust myself? Can I trust others?”
- Relationships: Families, friendships, even romantic partnerships can become complicated or strained.
This type of abuse can also trigger shame that’s difficult to shake because it’s tied to belief systems the survivor was taught to trust implicitly. Survivors often carry this internalised shame long after leaving the abusive environment. It can manifest as anxiety, depression, PTSD, C-PTSD or relational difficulties and sometimes all at once.
Spotting the Signs in Others
If someone you care about has been in a high-control religious environment, you might wonder if they’ve experienced spiritual abuse. Here are some indicators that might help you recognise it:
- Excessive guilt or shame around personal choices: Even simple decisions can be accompanied by disproportionate anxiety.
- Fear of speaking up: Survivors may hesitate to express opinions, even in casual conversations, for fear of judgment.
- Difficulty trusting authority or religious language: This can range from anger at former leaders to complete withdrawal from any spiritual/other community.
- Identity confusion: Questioning their worth, values, or even sexual orientation/identity because of internalised teachings.
- Hyper-vigilance about “doing the wrong thing”: Feeling that mistakes will bring severe consequences.
- Isolation: Either self-imposed or imposed by others, often because they were taught that outsiders are “temptations” or “enemies.”
A crucial point here: survivors may not outwardly appear “traumatised” in the ways we expect. Some are highly functional, articulate, and even charismatic. Spiritual abuse often leaves invisible wounds, so pay attention to subtle signs and patterns, not just dramatic crises.
How to Support Survivors
Supporting someone who has experienced spiritual abuse requires patience, empathy, and, often, a willingness to sit in discomfort. Here are some actionable ways to help:
1. Believe Them
One of the most damaging things to a survivor is dismissal. Even casual comments like, “Are you sure it was abuse?” can deepen shame. Start with trust. Say things like:
- “I hear you.”
- “I believe you.”
- “It makes sense you feel that way given what you went through.”
Validation is a lifeline, especially when survivors have been gaslit by people they trusted.
2. Avoid Quick Fixes or Spiritualising Their Healing
It’s tempting to offer religious platitudes or spiritual advice, especially if you share the survivor’s faith. But saying things like:
- “God has a plan”
- “Just pray about it”
- “Forgive and move on”
…can unintentionally echo the controlling language that caused harm. Focus on their lived experience first. Ask what they need rather than imposing solutions.
3. Encourage Autonomy
Many survivors have had decisions made for them their entire lives. Encouraging autonomy in even in small ways can help rebuild a sense of self. This might look like:
- Asking for their opinion and really listening.
- Supporting choices about therapy, living arrangements, or friendships without judgment.
- Encouraging them to explore interests, identities, or communities at their own pace.
4. Respect Boundaries
Boundaries are often a big part of recovery. Survivors may:
- Avoid certain conversations, people, or religious spaces.
- Need distance from family or former communities.
- Want control over when and how they discuss their trauma.
It’s crucial to honour these boundaries without pressure or guilt. Their boundaries are a protective mechanism and a sign of healing, not rejection.
5. Provide Access to Resources
Recovery from spiritual abuse can be complex. Practical support can include:
- Therapy: Trauma-informed therapists who understand religious trauma are invaluable. In Australia & New Zealand, The Religious Trauma Collective registry is a good starting point.
- Support groups: Being heard by others with similar experiences can reduce isolation and shame.
- Books and podcasts: Survivor narratives and psychoeducational resources help contextualise their experience and normalise feelings.
You can offer resources without pushing them. Sometimes just knowing options exist is enough.
6. Recognise the Intersectional Impact
Spiritual abuse doesn’t occur in a vacuum. Consider:
- Gendered power dynamics: Women and girls are often disproportionately controlled in religious settings.
- Queer identities: LGBTQIA+ individuals may experience abuse framed as “corrective” or “saving,” leading to long-term internalised homophobia or transphobia.
- Cultural context: Indigenous, migrant, or minority communities may face layered pressures, including expectations around family honour or cultural conformity.
Being mindful of these intersections helps you avoid minimising experiences and allows you to tailor support more effectively.
What Allies Often Get Wrong
It’s easy to unintentionally make things worse despite good intentions. Common pitfalls include:
- Minimising experiences: “It wasn’t that bad” or “At least they didn’t hurt you physically” undermines the severity.
- Pushing reconciliation: Encouraging survivors to reconcile or forgive abusers before they’re ready can re-traumatise them.
- Over-spiritualising healing: Inserting faith-based solutions too early can echo the control patterns survivors are escaping.
- Rushing the process: Healing isn’t linear. Expecting a timeline, closure, or “moving on” is unrealistic and can create guilt.
Remember: your role is supportive, not corrective. Healing belongs to the survivor.
A Personal Note
I’ve had the privilege of working with people who are unpacking the countless layers of spiritual abuse, and what stands out every time is their courage. Yes, the abuse leaves wounds, but it also sparks a unique depth of insight, empathy, and discernment. One client once said to me, “I didn’t just lose a church, I lost a language for who I am. But I’m slowly learning to write my own.”
That statement encapsulates the essence of recovery: reclaiming autonomy, rebuilding identity, and cultivating inner authority. Allies play a vital role in holding space, offering validation, and creating a safety net while survivors navigate this path.
Awareness as Action
Spiritual abuse is often hidden, subtle, and culturally reinforced. Raising awareness is a shared responsibility. Here are some ways to do that:
- Educate yourself: Learn about spiritual abuse, power dynamics in religious settings, and trauma-informed support.
- Listen actively: If someone shares, listen without judgment or interruption.
- Speak out safely: Challenge abusive rhetoric or practices in your community if you can do so safely, and/or amplify survivor voices.
- Support survivor-led initiatives: Organisations, podcasts, and social media spaces led by survivors can be incredibly validating and educational.
Awareness isn’t just about knowing the signs, it’s also about embodying allyship in everyday interactions and systemic advocacy.
Spiritual abuse is complex, painful, and often misunderstood. But with awareness, empathy, and intentional support, spaces can be created where survivors feel heard, believed, and empowered. It takes courage to confront the damage, but survivors are not broken, they are navigating a journey of reclamation. As allies, it is your job is to show up, validate, and hold the space for them to do so in their own time.
Because here’s the truth: spiritual abuse is insidious, but compassion, understanding, and actionable support are profoundly healing.
If you’re a survivor of spiritual abuse, know this: your experience is valid, your healing matters, and you don’t have to navigate it alone. Reach out if you would like support.