Ah, the holidays. They arrive with all the well-meaning chaos, like an avalanche of tinsel, carols, and endless social gatherings that can feel more than a little daunting—especially if you’re carrying religious trauma or have a complex history with the season. For survivors of religious trauma, high-control groups, or deeply painful pasts tied to faith, the holiday season isn’t always synonymous with joy and peace. Often, it’s a time that brings back difficult memories, expectations to conform, and waves of feeling like you’re on the outside looking in.
If you’re not quite ready to face the season, don’t worry. Let’s dive into the common triggers you might encounter, along with some strategies to navigate these sticky holiday situations with gentleness —and maybe even a touch of humour.
Common Triggers for Survivors During the Holiday Season
Family Expectations: The Pressure to Be “The Person They Remember”
Family can be a complicated part of the holiday equation, especially when it comes to expectations. Sometimes, those around us can hold onto a version of who we “used to be”—especially if they associate us with roles or beliefs we’ve since left behind. This can look like pressure to join in religious activities, like saying grace or attending church services, even if that’s no longer part of your life. Or it might be subtler: a hope that you’ll slip back into old patterns of faith-based conversations or just go along with everyone else.
For some, it’s an unspoken expectation, like waiting for you to say the “right” thing or show a certain level of enthusiasm for traditions that don’t resonate anymore. It’s as if everyone’s playing the roles they always have, and there’s an unspoken script that makes it challenging to assert the person you’ve grown into. Trying to balance your truth with their expectations can feel heavy, especially when you’re expected to blend seamlessly into a faith-based celebration that may no longer feel like home.
Religious Traditions: The Minefield of Old Rituals
For many of us, Christmas is tied up with traditions that once had deep meaning but now can feel suffocating or even triggering. From attending a multiple Christmas services (or even Midnight Mass) to hearing “O Holy Night” play over the shopping centre speakers, these religious rituals can bring up memories or feelings we’re not prepared for. Sometimes, it’s not even the big things but the subtle details that catch us off guard—like a familiar scent of incense or the sight of a Nativity scene.
And let’s be honest, Christmas carols can feel like the ultimate booby trap. When “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing” kicks off, it’s like a mini flashback to every church service, every youth group sing-along, every sense of duty that once consumed us. Some songs can bring up nostalgia, yes, but others? They can hit like a freight train.
The Feeling of Not Belonging
The holidays can highlight a sense of “otherness” if you no longer align with family or community beliefs. This feeling can turn up during family gatherings or religious celebrations, making it hard to feel connected or welcome. Instead of enjoying the season’s festivities, you might feel like you’re drifting outside the warmth—trying to smile along but, on the inside, feeling like you don’t quite belong.
Being in a room where everyone’s on the same spiritual page (and you’re very much… not) can be exhausting. The “belonging gap” makes you hyperaware of everything you’re not saying, every opinion you’re holding back. And trust me, the holidays are ripe for awkward silences and sideways glances, where suddenly you’re mentally calculating if it’s too early to politely bail. Spoiler: it’s never too early.
Past Trauma Memories: When the Season Brings Up Unresolved Pain
The holiday season isn’t just about the present; it’s a sprawling mix of nostalgia, and for many of us, this means past trauma and painful memories. If you experienced trauma within a religious setting, the holidays can throw you back into memories you thought were packed away for good. Family gatherings, in particular, can stir up unresolved feelings or a sense of loss for what you once believed or who you once were.
One of my own memories is always from a Christmas youth service, where there was heavy pressure to “surrender everything” to faith. The night was framed as the “gift of self,” and while everyone else was teary-eyed and fervent, I remember feeling something I can only describe now as panic. Every year now, that unease creeps back in, right alongside the holiday decorations.
How to Prepare: Tips for Navigating Triggers with Confidence and Calm
Identify Possible Triggers Ahead of Time
Reflect on what might come up and make a list of potential triggers. Is it certain songs, family traditions, or specific religious gatherings? By naming these in advance, you’ll already feel a bit more prepared when they pop up. Just knowing what to expect can help you face those triggers with a little less shock and a little more steadiness.
Set Up Check-In Times with a Trusted Friend for Support
Having someone in your corner can make all the difference. Set up regular check-ins with a friend who understands your story and can offer the kind of support you need. This can be a quick phone call, a long text thread, or even a planned walk to debrief. Knowing there’s someone who “gets it” and who you can lean on if things get tough can make the day (or week) feel a lot less isolating.
Prepare Grounding Tools
Grounding is a lifesaver when you feel yourself getting sucked into an emotional spiral. Breathing exercises, sensory items (like a smooth stone or comforting scarf), or even guided meditations can help. You might also find comfort in small rituals that feel safe and grounding, like having a particular scent nearby or wearing a favourite piece of jewellery. I’ve taken to keeping a little vial of calming essential oil in my pocket—it’s my quick “reset” button when the season gets overwhelming.
Practice Saying “No” and Holding Boundaries
It’s tempting to go along with everything to keep the peace, but setting boundaries is key. Remind yourself it’s okay to say “no” to activities or conversations that feel harmful or triggering. You don’t have to explain your choices if you don’t want to. If someone pushes, a simple “This isn’t comfortable for me” or “I’m not in the space for that right now” can be enough. Boundaries are your allies here.
Find Your Own Traditions or Moments of Joy
One of the most healing things you can do is create new traditions that feel genuine to you. You don’t have to join the family for every carol sing-along or church outing if it doesn’t align with who you are now. Maybe your holiday joy looks like baking cookies in your PJ’s, decorating in rainbow lights, or spending a quiet evening with a good book and your favourite comfort drink. Whatever brings you a moment of peace—lean into it.
You’re Not Alone
If the holiday season is less about joy and more about survival, that’s okay. There’s no wrong way to feel about the holidays, and it’s perfectly valid to find them complex, difficult, or even a bit strange. Remember, you’re not alone in this, and you deserve to honor where you are on your journey—even if that means stepping back from traditions or people that feel out of sync with your current self.
And if you’re the one clutching your glass a little tighter when the carols start, or slipping out early to catch your breath, know there’s a whole world of us out there who understand. Take care of yourself and embrace whatever feels right for you this holiday season. It’s your journey, and you get to decide what the season means.
If the holiday season feels heavy, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Whether it’s handling family expectations, managing triggers, or finding new traditions, there’s support available.
Reach out today to start planning a season that truly honours you and your journey.