Lovebombing? What is that you ask? Picture this.
You are feeling a bit lost in life; you might have even had something big happen. Feeling vulnerable and in search of some meaning and purpose, you find yourself thinking about going to church. You have never been before, but you think ‘isn’t that what people do in times like this?’.
After doing a google search of local churches, and pick one because it seems modern, and there are young people in the photos. Feeling pretty nervous and apprehensive, you turn up the next Sunday.
You see a sign out the front that says a variation of ‘You are welcome here’ and you are greeted at the door with smiling faces, despite them being strangers they seem so excited to see you.
You make it through the service, where there is language around everyone being a family. That we are all brothers and sisters in the kingdom, all over rousing music and a enticing alter call.
After the service you feel like you can barely breathe because you have so many people coming up to you. A coffee date here, and a brunch there – all of a sudden you feel like you have instant friends.
It can be strange and confusing. A little bit like this.
The Newcomer Effect
Whilst this might seem really nice on the surface, it can also be overwhelming and uncomfortable. What we also don’t always realise is that for a lot of churches, this is highly strategic and targeted.
Often a coordinated effort, under the the guidance of the leadership; it is designed to flood the newcomer with attention, support, and instant companionship. All of this is to ensure that the newcomer feels compelled to come back and join the church community.
That’s not to say that these people don’t care about you, they may. However, what we see time and time again is this type of lovebombing on newcomers. Newcomers to the church may be inundated with an excessive amount of attention, praise, and gestures of affection from church members.
Church members may quickly and enthusiastically befriend newcomers, offering an immediate sense of belonging and acceptance without allowing for natural relationship development over time.
What Actually Is Lovebombing?
As stated on Psychology Today; “The term “love bombing” refers to a pattern of overly affectionate behaviour that typically occurs at the beginning of a relationship, often a romantic one, in which one party “bombs” the other with over-the-top displays of adoration and attention.” It often feels euphoric for the person, there is a rush of emotion where they are left feeling like they have tapped into something greater and bigger than themselves.
It is considered intentional and manipulative, in order to increase dependency or create a feeling of unity. Often referred to when speaking about domestic abuse and narcissism; however we can see similar patterns of behaviour in fundamental churches and cults.
Long term this looks like getting the individual to the point that they feel they belong; that they are part of a family. We see this when someone begins committing more time and money to the church. They may even isolate themselves or pull back from regular activities in order to dedicate more time to ministry.
How Do We Spot The Difference?
Genuine relationships and friendships should unfold at a pace that everyone is comfortable with. When someone is in a vulnerable position, this is especially important. There should also be a back-and-forth that happens; whereas when lovebombing occurs it tends to be very one-sided.
If you are feeling like you have been caught up in a whirlwind and that you haven’t had a chance to breathe – this can be a sign that you are experiencing lovebombing.
Another important factor is boundaries. If you feel like someone is repeatedly crossing you boundaries or is trying to get you to compromise them; this is a sign of potential manipulation.
What often occurs in faith-based spaces, is doing all of this with a smile, and with seemingly loving intentions. You might hear phrases like “I feel like God has brought us into each others live for a reason” or “God has a word for you”. What this does is, it implies that there is a greater purpose and it can give people pseudo-permission to cross boundaries.
No version of crossing your boundaries is ever okay – even if it is ‘because God said so’. We always want this kind of energy.
What To Do If You Are Being Lovebombed
- Reconnect with family and friends
- Re-engage in former interests or activities
- Talk to an objective outsider where you can share what you are experiencing
- Speak to a therapist; this is a space that is neutral and where can also engage in psycho-education also
- Create space between you and the individuals/faith community.
There is no perfect way to navigate this dynamic. Regaining a sense of independence and sense of self is vital where you can see yourself separate to the community you have been engaged with.
This does not always mean you have to de-convert, leave your church or end relationships. Sometimes these do occur, but it is not a necessity. Often, it does depend on the excessive nature of lovebombing that occurred and the intensity of manipulation.
It does mean looking at the relationships and the dependency through a different lens. One where your wellbeing and autonomy are front and centre.
Is This Something You Work With?
Absolutely!
This level of control and manipulation is often something that comes up when processing religious trauma or navigating a faith deconstruction. It can also be something that many don’t realise until they have left their community; feeling like you have had rose-coloured glasses is not uncommon.
If this is something that you would like to explore, please reach out using this contact form.
For so many, myself included; hearing other peoples story and experiences can be deeply healing and validating. That is why I started the podcast Beyond the Surface. You can listen to the episodes (including my own) right here or wherever you get your podcasts.