Perfectionism is a trendy word, and like anything it can be overused and stereotyped. Like anything, perfectionism is unique the the individual experiencing it. For those who have been in organised religion/high control groups, it is not surprising that perfectionism is something that many people struggle with.
I know I struggled with it, because I was taught to do so. I was taught that my purpose is to be more like Jesus and less like myself. Often in the same sentence I then heard that Jesus was perfect, pure and holy. “I can’t be those things” often ran through my mind.
By being held to a biblical standard, I was being held to a standard of perfection. That has always been and will continue to be unattainable.
It was just about being like Jesus though, it was also about the view of others. You may have also heard the verse about being the light in the world. I hear this OFTEN. Who I was, was a direct reflection of Jesus; which ultimately led people towards or away from salvation.
That is an immense amount of pressure. For anyone.
The Connection to Trauma
Perfectionism is a learned behavior and a sense of self that is built rather than inherent. Which means that when trauma becomes a part of the conversation, it is no surprise that we see this. We see it come from a variety of places, these are just some of the most common that I have seen.
- Fear of Divine Judgement – Many religious teachings emphasise the idea of a perfect, all-knowing deity who judges human behaviour. This can create a deep-seated fear of others constantly watching and judging every action, thought, or feeling. Leading you to strive for perfection to avoid divine punishment or disapproval.
- Conditional Love & Acceptance – Love and acceptance are portrayed as conditional upon adherence to strict moral or behavioural codes. You may internalise the belief that you must be perfect to be worthy of love and acceptance, both from your deity and your religious community.
- Sin & Guilt – Religions that focus heavily on the doctrine of sin can lead to an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame for even minor imperfections or mistakes. This can drive you to seek perfection as a way to avoid these negative feelings and the potential consequences you believe might follow.
- Rigid Doctrines – Many religious teachings set high moral and ethical standards that can be impossible to achieve. When strict adherence to these doctrines shapes you, you develop unrealistic expectations for yourself and others. Leading to perfectionistic behaviours in an attempt to meet these unachievable standards.
- Community Pressure & Judgement – Religious communities can exert significant social pressure to conform to specific norms and behaviours. Fear of judgment, ostracisation, or punishment from the community can push you to strive for perfection, aiming for acceptance and avoiding criticism or exclusion.
What Does This Look Like?
The way we see perfectionism manifest will look different depending on whether someone is still in the community or not. For those still in the church/community/group; we may see:
- Meticulous participation in rituals. – You might obsess over performing religious rituals perfectly, whether it’s prayer, fasting, or attending services. Any deviation or mistake can cause significant anxiety and self-reproach.
- Excessive volunteering. – Driven by the need to be seen as devout, you take on numerous church responsibilities, such as teaching, organizing events, and leading groups.
- Strict adherence to behavioural rules. – A focus on outward appearance and behaviour can be intense. You may feel compelled to dress and act in a manner that aligns perfectly with religious expectations, often at the expense of your personal comfort or expression.
- Self censorship. – To avoid seeming faithless, you might suppress your doubts and questions about religious teachings, striving to appear unwavering and fully aligned with your faith.
- Judgement & comparison. – Perfectionism can lead to judging yourself and others harshly, comparing levels of devotion, knowledge, and adherence to religious practices, often leading to feelings of inadequacy or superiority.
What About Once I Have Left?
These manifestations highlight the lingering effects of religious trauma and the continued struggle with perfectionism even after leaving a religious context.
- Overcompensation – You may channel your perfectionism into achieving secular goals to prove your worth outside of a religious context. This can include striving for academic excellence, career success, or personal projects, often at the expense of your well-being.
- Moral Rigidity – After leaving a religious environment, you might maintain a black-and-white view of morality and ethics. Holding yourself to rigid standards and struggling to navigate the more nuanced ethical landscapes of secular life.
- Hypercritical – Without the external validation of your religious community, you might become intensely self-critical, constantly evaluating you actions and decisions to ensure they meet your internalised standards of perfection.
- Struggling with self-acceptance – Perfectionism can manifest as difficulty accepting yourself without the framework of religious approval. You might continue to seek external validation and struggle with feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness.
- Social Isolation – Fear of not being perfect in social interactions can lead to withdrawal and isolation. Avoiding social situations because you fear judgment leads to loneliness and disconnection.
What Can I Do About It?
Of course, therapy is going to be my first suggestion. However, I am aware that it is not always an accessible option. So here are a few quick tips that helped me.
- Self-compassion – Treat yourself with kindness and understanding. Remind yourself that making mistakes is a normal part of learning and growth.
- Get creative – Try something like painting, writing, or playing an instrument. The goal isn’t perfection but self-expression and enjoyment. Allow yourself to be imperfect and spontaneous.
- Try a ‘good enough’ approach in safe ways – Practice tasks with the mindset that “good enough” is sufficient. For example, bake a cake without worrying about perfect presentation, or write a letter without obsessing over perfect grammar.
- Embrace ‘messiness’ – Deliberately introduce some “messiness” into your daily life, such as leaving dishes in the sink for a while or not making your bed. This can help you become more comfortable with imperfection.
- Create a nature mandala – Find a peaceful spot outdoors and gather natural materials like leaves, stones, flowers, and twigs. Use these items to create a mandala or simple pattern on the ground. The process of arranging and rearranging can be a meditative practice, and the impermanent nature of the mandala (which will eventually be disrupted by wind or other elements) can help you embrace the beauty of imperfection and the transient nature of life.
What If I Do Want Therapy?
Then reach out! I would love to connect with you; perhaps I will be the right fit and we can work together. If not I am also happy to help you find someone who will be a good fit.
You can contact me here.