From Dedication to Deconstruction – My Story

My journey with faith is an interesting one. It’s a windy path with various terrain, spontaneous weather changes and at times no clear direction. It has at times been pure bliss and at others unimaginable pain.

I started my deconstruction process around two and half years ago and it is by no means over. In fact, I’m not sure it will ever be over – I think it’s something we continue to do over time so long as we still have that part of us that earns to connect the dots between our heart, mind and spirit with the world, the people, and issues around us.

What is Deconstruction?

I’m sure some of you are wondering what deconstruction is, I had never even heard of the term until therapy. It’s complex and personal, it is a critical dismantling of one’s traditional religious beliefs or ideologies. It is largely spoken about within the vast realm of Christianity.

So here is a little about my story…

A bit of background knowledge

I didn’t grow up in the church and my family were not spiritual or religious. My first encounter with anything religious was going to a Catholic primary school. It intrigued me, I enjoyed learning about the Bible because I found it interesting. My yr 6 classmates in their infinite wisdom voted me as ‘most likely to become the first female Pope’. Sorry everyone that didn’t quite happen.

Only a couple of years later I became a Christian, my high school Religious Education teacher saw the part of me that was yearning for something more. Despite the way some of my story has played out; I will forever be thankful to her for seeing that part of me and holding it with gentleness, respect, compassion, and a dash of humour.

To give you a bit of context upfront; I have struggled throughout most of my life with my sexuality. I am a proud bisexual woman though it took some work to get there.

The Church

I went to the same church for the next 6years. The church was a Christian Brethren and so suffice to say it was conservative in beliefs and practices. I took a 2-year break from church where I wrestled with God, my sexuality, faith, and my community. After which I returned for about another 4years. So, I spent a decade of my life in this community before I ultimately decided to leave for good.

I largely had a positive experience, the church was home for me and the people in it were family. It wasn’t full of bad people, in fact some of them were the most loving and kind people I have experienced, and I still wrestle with the grief of having lost them as part of my life today.

Me within Church

I wasn’t your typical female congregation member even when I was a teenager. I was never quite happy to sit back and absorb the teachings or do the roles done by females traditionally. Action was important for me and I always thought that I was called to ministry. Even spending the year after High School completing a gospel Gap Year with the Sydney Anglicans – more on that at a later date.

I also asked questions, but to a select few within the church a question signified doubt. I came out of my Gap Year with questions and some of those questions were met with a desire to simply help me learn and grow. Unfortunately though a lot of those questions were met with the need to convince me that their interpretation and beliefs were the truth. I look back at my desire to question and realise that I have moments of deconstruction all throughout my journey.

So, I threw myself into church ministry; I served in the worship team, as a youth leader, as a Sunday school teacher, I continually tried and yet continually failed to get a youth service up and running. I lead a youth girls Bible study as well as some personal mentoring and eventually began my Counselling degree.

Boy, I feel tired just writing all of that; but did I love it at the time? Absolutely.

Was I completely burnout both physically, emotionally, and spiritually? Absolutely.

Relationships and Church

But everything changed in July 2016…it’s when I met my now wife.

Everything changed because it was at that point, I lost everything that made me…me.

I felt transparency was key in telling the elders at the church – it was the respectful thing to do. Still telling myself that to this day despite knowing that I didn’t owe them an explanation.

I will say that when I shared about my relationship with the elders of the church, I expected to be told stop all my ministry. I didn’t expect the judgement, the rigidity, or the complete lack of empathy. Having chosen these Elders because I trusted them, I loved them, and I respected them. They were family to me and in that in one conversation I no longer felt welcome, or felt like I was respected. I had never seen a more accurate portrayal of words and actions being so misaligned.

So I left the church, and for a while some of the relationships continued though they were strained. I struggled with any church though; it just never felt comfortable for me despite faith still being very important.

Fast forward, I got married and there is some of the most unimaginable grief and pain surrounding this time of my life so much so, that I plan to do a whole post on how everything changed all over again the moment that there was a ring on my finger.

I still wrestle with my spirituality, faith in God, the grief, the loss, the confusion, the guilt, and the rules I still feel bound to today and things pop up out of the blue; but I think that’s okay because that’s a part of living, growing, and healing.

Why is any of this important?

You might be wondering though why I am sharing any of my story; and the answer for me is quite simple. For many who have experienced spiritual/religious trauma having a therapist with lived experience is important – it certainly was for me. So, whilst my whole journey will not be open slather, I do hope to share some of my story whilst talking about issues that you or people you love may have faced or are facing.

I also want to encourage those who are fearful of entering this space and create a space particularly for women and queer people that is full of safety, empathy and acceptance, with no expectation of remaining a person of faith or not; this is about being in alignment with your spirit – whatever that looks like.

Connect

I live mainly on Instagram and speak about many of these things and more – come over and say hi!

Beyond the Surface is a podcast I created, it shares stories of Religious Trauma & Deconstruction. You can listen on all major podcast platforms or here.