The holiday season can be a beautiful time of connection, celebration, and rest—but for many of us who’ve experienced religious trauma, Christmas isn’t all tinsel and joy. It can bring up painful memories of exclusion, strained family relationships, or the sting of being cast out from a community we once called home. And when everyone else seems wrapped up in a Hallmark-perfect holiday, that loneliness can feel deafening.
I’ve been there. I remember one Christmas when it seemed like the walls were closing in. It was my first holiday after leaving my church. My church friends, well, they weren’t really my friends anymore. I was adrift. And despite my best efforts to brush it off, the season’s glittery facade only amplified my feelings of isolation.
If you’re finding yourself in a similar space this Christmas, know this: you’re not alone. Let’s talk about why this time of year can be particularly challenging and, most importantly, how to navigate it with care and compassion for yourself.
Why Christmas Hits Differently After Religious Trauma
For many of us, Christmas is intertwined with religious rituals and cultural expectations. It’s the carols we grew up singing, the sermons about Jesus’ birth, and the potluck dinners with our church family. When you leave a faith community or question long-held beliefs, the holiday season can feel disorienting.
You might find yourself mourning the loss of tradition, even if you no longer believe in its message. You might miss the community you once had, even if it was conditional. And then there’s the challenge of navigating family dynamics—especially if your family is still rooted in the beliefs you’ve left behind. Comments like, “We’re praying for you to come back” or “Christmas just isn’t the same without you at church” can feel like daggers.
On top of that, there’s the cultural messaging. Christmas is marketed as a time for family, togetherness, and joy. If your reality doesn’t match up—if you’re alone or estranged—it can amplify feelings of inadequacy, loss, and loneliness.
Coping with Loneliness and Isolation
Here’s the good news: Christmas doesn’t have to look like the version we see on TV. You have the power to create a season that feels meaningful to you, even if it looks nothing like the one you grew up with. Here are some strategies that have helped me and others find comfort and joy amidst the complexity.
1. Reclaim the Season
You don’t have to celebrate Christmas the way you always have—or at all. Consider redefining the holiday in a way that aligns with your values and needs. For me, that’s meant swapping nativity scenes for Nutcrackers & The Grinch, turning on Love Actually instead of listening to sermons, and celebrating the season as a time of rest and reflection rather than religious obligation.
2. Create New Traditions
Traditions can be grounding, even if they’re small. You might bake cookies for yourself, volunteer at a local shelter, or start a book you’ve been meaning to read. One year, I created a playlist of songs that weren’t Christmasy in the traditional sense but made me feel warm and connected (Missy Higgins, anyone?). That simple act helped me reclaim the holiday as mine.
3. Find Your People
Loneliness often comes from feeling disconnected. If you’re not physically with others, seek out ways to connect virtually or emotionally. Join online groups or forums of people with similar experiences, host a Zoom call with friends, or even write letters to those you care about. If you’re in Australia or New Zealand, consider connecting with groups like the Religious Trauma Collective to find support and understanding.
4. Allow Yourself to Grieve
It’s okay to feel sad, angry, or nostalgic. Grief is part of the healing process. Instead of pushing those feelings away, try to sit with them. Journaling, talking to a therapist, or simply acknowledging the ache can be a powerful act of self-compassion.
5. Be Gentle with Yourself
There’s no “right” way to do the holidays. If you need to spend Christmas Day in your pyjamas eating takeout and bingeing Netflix, that’s okay. This is your season, and it’s okay to prioritise your well-being over anyone else’s expectations.
6. Move Your Body
It’s easy to get stuck in one place when you’re feeling low. A walk, yoga session, or even dancing in your living room can help release tension and shift your mood. Bonus: getting outside for some fresh air can be a great way to feel connected to the world.
7. Set Boundaries with Social Media
Scrolling through everyone’s holiday highlights can make loneliness feel even sharper. If you know social media might be a trigger, consider logging off for the day or limiting your screen time. Instead, focus on activities that bring you joy or peace.
A Light In The Darkness
One of the most meaningful moments of my post-church Christmas journey happened on an otherwise quiet night. I had lit a candle—not for prayer or tradition, but simply for myself. As I watched the flame flicker, I felt a surprising sense of peace. It reminded me that even in the darkest moments, there’s light to be found.
This holiday season, my hope for you is that you find your light—whether it’s in a moment of quiet, a new tradition, or the simple act of giving yourself permission to grieve, heal, and grow. You deserve a season that feels safe and kind, even if it looks nothing like the Christmases of your past.
And if you need someone to hold space for your journey, know that people like me—and communities like ours—are here for you. You’re not alone, no matter how it feels right now.
Wishing you a season of peace, rest, and gentle self-compassion
Reach out for support if you need to this holiday season. Contact Me
You can also find other practitioners who get this space over on The Religious Trauma Collective