It’s one thing to deconstruct an idea, it’s another thing entirely to live inside the gaps it leaves behind and feel like you are left with things like jealousy, and other vulnerabilities..
When my wife and I first began deconstructing monogamy and exploring polyamory, we knew we were stepping off the well-worn path. But what we didn’t quite anticipate—what no one really prepared us for—was just how much unlearning we’d have to do inside our own relationship.
Not just unlearning theology or purity culture or that whole “your partner should be your everything” narrative (which, side note, is a deeply unfair thing to put on any human being). But unlearning the ways we’d learnt to communicate, to soothe our own insecurities, to name needs without shame. It wasn’t just a relationship shift; it was an emotional, psychological, nervous system-level recalibration.
So today, I want to talk about two big things that come up a lot when people are navigating non-monogamous relationships: communication and jealousy. And I want to do it honestly. Without over-romanticising, without pretending it’s all candlelit group dates and personal growth Pinterest quotes.
Because if you’re going to do polyamory (or honestly, any kind of relationship well) these two things will come up. Often. Sometimes when you least expect them. Sometimes while someone’s doing the dishes and the other person’s like, “Hey, I felt weird last night when you said you were seeing someone new,” and then you’re suddenly elbow-deep in relational processing while the sink overflows.
Let’s start with the big one…
Jealousy Isn’t the Enemy (But It’s Also Not the Truth)
There’s this idea floating around, especially in religious or purity culture spaces, that if you feel jealous, it means something’s wrong.
- It means someone’s crossed a line.
- It means you’re insecure.
- It means you’re not being faithful.
- It means God’s trying to convict you (yep, really heard that one).
But here’s what I’ve learnt: jealousy isn’t a sin or a red flag. It’s a signal. It’s a blinking light on your emotional dashboard saying, “Hey, something needs attention here.”
The difference is; when you’re in a polyamorous or open relationship, you don’t treat that signal as a cue to shut everything down. You treat it as an opportunity to go deeper.
- What is the jealousy trying to tell you?
- Is it fear of being replaced?
- Is it a need for more reassurance?
- Is it because someone forgot to tell you about a plan and now your nervous system is playing catch-up?
We were never taught that jealousy could be met with curiosity instead of control. That it could be a doorway, not a dead-end.
And maybe most importantly; we were never taught that it’s okay to feel jealous and still deeply trust your person.
Communication Isn’t Just Logistics—It’s a Lifeline
I used to think we were good communicators. I mean; I am a therapist and she is a case manager. We talk for a living. Surely this would be easy, right?
Wrong. So wrong.
Polyamory kicked our communication into a whole new gear. Suddenly it wasn’t just about what we were doing; but how we felt about what we were doing. What were our boundaries? What kind of openness did we want? Did we want to hear about each other’s other connections or keep some things private? Were we open to casual connections? To romantic ones? Were there no-go zones?
And the answers weren’t static. Sometimes one of us felt adventurous, and the other was like, “Can we slow down and breathe for a second?” Sometimes we thought we’d agreed on something, and then one of us would be hit with an unexpected pang of emotion we hadn’t anticipated.
What helped?
- Scheduled check-ins. I know it sounds clinical, but honestly, having a regular time where we could say, “Hey, how’s this feeling for you?” saved us from a lot of built-up tension.
- Naming emotions without blame. Not “You made me feel left out,” but “I’m noticing some sadness when I think about this. Can we talk about it?”
- Being willing to pause and renegotiate. Nothing is set in stone. And just because something felt fine last month doesn’t mean it won’t need a tweak now.
Sometimes these conversations are gentle. Sometimes they’re tender and raw and a little uncomfortable. But every single time, they’ve made us stronger.
Communication isn’t just about clarity, it’s about care. And polyamory, at its best, demands care at a level I’d never experienced in my old monogamous default setting.
You Can Want Different Things and Still Love Each Other Deeply
This has probably been the most liberating and confronting thing of all.
The old story told me that if you and your partner weren’t exactly on the same page about everything; especially something as big as relationship structure, then the relationship was doomed. Someone had to compromise. Or else it would all fall apart.
But that’s not been our reality.
There are times when my wife and I have wanted different things. When one of us is feeling more open and the other is feeling more inward. When someone’s feeling adventurous and the other’s feeling cautious. And you know what? That’s okay.
We’ve learnt to hold space for difference without demanding sameness. To name our wants and needs and fears without turning them into ultimatums. To come back to this core belief again and again:
We are on the same team.
Not in the way we were taught in church (“You’re a team so you have to sacrifice everything for each other and suppress your needs to maintain the covenant…” sigh), but in the sense that we are committed to honesty, to respect, and to showing up for each other with integrity.
It’s Not for Everyone But It Is Allowed
Polyamory isn’t a moral upgrade. It’s not a trend. It’s not for everyone. Some people try it and go, “Nope, not for me” and that’s totally okay.
But for us? It’s been healing, expansive, freeing…and fun!
Not because it’s easy. Not because it makes everything more exciting. But because it’s allowed us to unearth parts of ourselves that were buried under years of religious shoulds and shame.
We’ve learnt more about each other in the last 3 years than we did in the previous five. We’ve grown more curious. More tender with each other’s vulnerabilities. We’ve had the hard conversations, but we’ve also had the beautiful ones; the ones that end in laughter, or relief, or a quiet knowing that we’re doing this in a way that feels true.
And honestly? That feels like the most sacred thing of all.
Curious about polyamory? Wondering what it could look like for you or your relationship?
Whether you’re deep in the “what even is this?” phase or gently tiptoeing into conversations with a partner, you’re not alone. These questions are tender, valid, and absolutely worth exploring; with care, honesty, and a whole lot of self-compassion.
If you’re beginning to unpick what you were taught about love, relationships, and commitment, especially if those teachings were shaped by religion or purity culture or if you’re in a relationship and wondering what it might mean to move beyond the monogamy-is-the-only-way script, you’re in good company.
You can reach out if you’re navigating this and want to feel a little less alone. You can also jump over to Instagram and join the conversation – @anchoredcounsellingservices