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Breaking the Silence: Naming and Healing Spiritual Abuse

Spiritual abuse can be a confusing and disorienting experience. It thrives in environments we trusted to guide us and nurture our spiritual growth, making it difficult to recognise or name. For me, it began with an uneasy feeling—a growing sense that my questions and doubts weren’t just unwelcome; they were seen as evidence of my spiritual failure. Sitting in the pews, week after week, I felt smaller and smaller, as though my worthiness was conditional on obedience and silence.

Spiritual abuse isn’t just about what happens to you—it’s about what it takes from you. It can leave you feeling disconnected from your own sense of self, your spirituality, and even the people who were once closest to you. But by breaking the silence and naming it for what it is, we take the first step toward reclaiming our lives and healing.

What Does Spiritual Abuse Look Like?

At its heart, spiritual abuse is about power and control. It occurs when someone in a position of spiritual authority misuses that power to manipulate, silence, or dominate others. This abuse can take many forms, ranging from overt coercion to subtle shaming, and it often hides under the guise of religious teachings or care.

For example, it might look like:

  • A pastor or leader demanding absolute loyalty, framing dissent as rebellion against God.
  • Teachings that instil fear of hell or punishment as a way to enforce compliance.
  • Being told that your doubts or struggles are signs of moral failure, rather than natural parts of your spiritual journey.

In my own experience, spiritual abuse felt like an invisible cage. On the surface, it seemed like I had a choice, but every decision I made was shaped by the fear of losing the community, the approval of leaders, or even my relationship with the divine. I remember questioning a particular teaching and being told that my doubt was “opening a door for the enemy.” Instead of feeling encouraged to explore my faith, I was shamed into silence.

Spiritual abuse isn’t always obvious. It often masquerades as “concern” for your soul or “tough love” meant to guide you back onto the right path. But beneath the surface, it’s about control—about keeping you in line with someone else’s vision of what your life and faith should look like.

Why It’s So Hard To Name Spiritual Abuse

Naming spiritual abuse can feel almost impossible, especially when it occurs in spaces we’ve been taught to trust. Faith communities are often places where we seek belonging, guidance, and support. When harm happens within those spaces, it’s easy to blame ourselves rather than the system or the people perpetuating the abuse.

For many, speaking out against spiritual abuse feels like a betrayal. We may fear being labelled as divisive or ungrateful. In some cases, the very leaders who have harmed us are the ones who hold the power to ostracise us from the community. It’s no wonder so many of us stay silent, even when we know something isn’t right.

In my case, I spent years wrestling with the belief that I was the problem. I thought if I just prayed harder, believed more, or silenced my doubts, I’d finally find peace. But the peace never came. Instead, I felt increasingly alienated—not just from the church but from myself.

The stigma around questioning spiritual authority runs deep. Many of us were taught that leaders are appointed by God, making their actions and decisions unquestionable. This dynamic creates an environment where abuse can flourish unchecked, leaving those who experience it feeling isolated and powerless.

Recognising Spiritual Abuse

Recognising spiritual abuse often begins with a feeling—a nagging sense that something isn’t right. Maybe it’s a moment when you realise the teachings you’ve internalised are causing more harm than good. Maybe it’s an interaction with a leader that leaves you feeling dismissed, ashamed, or unworthy.

For me, the turning point came when I started asking, “What if this isn’t the only way to experience spirituality?” That question felt dangerous, even sinful, but it also felt liberating. It opened a door to a new way of thinking—a way that prioritised my intuition and values over the rigid rules I’d been taught to follow.

If you’re exploring whether spiritual abuse has been part of your story, here are some questions to consider:

  • Did the environment encourage curiosity and growth, or were you silenced when you questioned?
  • Were guilt, fear, or shame used to influence your decisions or beliefs?
  • Did you feel loved and accepted as you were, or did you have to conform to fit in?

These questions aren’t meant to provide definitive answers but to help you start unpacking your experience. Recognising spiritual abuse is a process, and it’s okay if it takes time to make sense of what you’ve been through.

Steps Toward Healing

Healing from spiritual abuse is a deeply personal journey, and there’s no one “right” way to do it. What’s most important is that you find a path that feels authentic and empowering for you.

1. Acknowledge Your Experience

The first step in healing is naming what happened. Spiritual abuse can be hard to define, but recognising it for what it is allows you to start letting go of the shame and self-blame you may have carried.

2. Seek Support

Healing doesn’t have to happen in isolation. Whether it’s a therapist who understands religious trauma, a trusted friend, or an online community, finding people who validate your experience can be transformative. For me, connecting with others who had walked a similar path was a turning point. It reminded me that I wasn’t alone and that my feelings were valid.

3. Set Boundaries

Part of reclaiming your life involves creating distance from the people, teachings, or environments that caused harm. This can feel daunting, especially if those spaces are tied to family or community, but your well-being deserves to come first.

4. Reclaim Your Spirituality (or Not!)

Healing doesn’t have to mean returning to spirituality, but it can. For some, it’s about rediscovering faith on their own terms. For others, it’s about finding peace in letting go. Both paths are valid, and both are worth honouring.

For me, reclaiming my spirituality involved unlearning the harmful teachings I’d internalised and reconnecting with what felt meaningful and life-giving. It wasn’t a straight path, but it was one that ultimately led to freedom.

Breaking Free & Moving Forward

Spiritual abuse can leave deep wounds, but it doesn’t have to define your story. Naming it is a courageous first step, and healing is possible—one small, intentional choice at a time.

You are not alone. Whether you’re just beginning to question or are well on your way to reclaiming your life, know that there is hope on the other side. Life beyond spiritual abuse is messy, beautiful, and full of possibility. And you? You are worthy of every bit of it.

If this resonates with you, take it as a sign to keep going. Your healing matters, your story matters, and you matter.

Reach out if you would like to unpack this further.