When my wife and I first started exploring polyamory, I remember thinking, Okay… but what actually is it? Like, I’d heard the word before. I’d seen the occasional clickbait article or TV character. But I didn’t know anyone who openly identified as polyamorous; especially not anyone from a similar background of high-control religion, where the very idea of having more than one partner was either deeply sinful or something that only happened in patriarchal cults.
For most of my life, monogamy wasn’t just the “normal” way to do relationships—it was the only moral option. It was sold as a package deal: marriage, monogamy, heteronormativity, and a tidy, rule-following kind of love that always ended in two people, forever. Full stop.
So stepping outside of that wasn’t just a lifestyle change. It was a full-blown deconstruction of yet another story I’d been told: that there is only one right way to love.
And now that my wife and I identify as polyamorous, one of the most frequent things we get asked is:
Wait… what does that actually mean? So let’s start there.
Defining Polyamory (Without the Buzzwords)
Polyamory, at its core, simply means: being open to having more than one loving, consensual, and ethically navigated relationship at the same time.
- It’s not cheating.
- It’s not a loophole.
- It’s not just a sex thing.
- And it’s definitely not a rebellious phase to avoid “commitment.”
Polyamory is built on consent, communication, and choice. It’s about being honest with yourself and your partners about what you want, what you need, and what’s possible in your relationships. It doesn’t mean you love someone less, it just means you don’t subscribe to the belief that love must be exclusive to be meaningful.
There’s no one-size-fits-all version of polyamory. For some people, it looks like having two long-term romantic partners. For others, it includes platonic but emotionally intimate connections. Some people live with multiple partners. Others don’t. Some practise something called relationship anarchy (which challenges hierarchies and expectations altogether). Others have more defined structures like a primary partner, with other relationships alongside that.
Polyamory, like queerness or spirituality or identity, can be messy and fluid and deeply personal. But it’s not random.
- It’s not chaotic.
- It’s intentional.
- It’s not “free love” in the 70s-slogan sense
- It’s freedom with accountability.
And while it might seem new to some, polyamory (and other forms of ethical non-monogamy) have existed in various cultures for centuries. We just don’t often get taught about that; especially not in purity culture or patriarchal church spaces.
Let’s Talk About the Myths (Because There Are So Many)
Once you start living a little more openly as polyamorous, you realise how much misinformation is floating around out there. It’s kind of wild how confidently people will ask you questions based on… literal zero experience.
So in the spirit of clearing a few things up, let’s name some of the most common misconceptions I’ve come across, and what’s actually true:
Myth #1: “You’re just married to multiple people.”
This one comes up a lot. And while the word “polyamory” does have the Greek roots of “many” (poly) and “love” (amor), it’s not the same thing as polygamy.
Polygamy—especially in religious contexts, is often hierarchical, patriarchal, and legally tied to systems where one man marries multiple women (usually without a lot of say on their part). That’s not what we’re doing here.
Polyamory is non-hierarchical (or, if there is a structure, it’s agreed upon with care), consensual for all parties, and absolutely not about control or coercion. I’m not married to multiple people. I’m married to my wife. And we’re both open to other relationships in a way that feels aligned and ethical.
Myth #2: “You must not really be committed to your partner.”
This one stings a little. Because if anything, this journey has made us more committed. But in a different way. Not the commitment of obligation or default; but the commitment of choice.
In polyamory, you have to choose each other again and again. And communicate again and again. There’s no autopilot. And while that can feel intense at times, it also keeps things really alive and honest.
Myth #3: “Polyamory is just an excuse to sleep around.”
Okay. Let’s unpack this one, because it’s loaded with so many assumptions and frankly, a whole heap of sex negativity.
First of all, polyamory isn’t just about sex; but sex can be a part of it. For some people, it’s not the primary focus. For others, it is. And both are entirely valid. If someone wants to explore casual sex in a consensual, respectful, and communicative way; then honestly? That’s great. Polyamory makes space for that. And it doesn’t need to be dressed up as something else to be seen as legitimate.
There’s nothing inherently shameful about wanting connection that is sexual without being romantic, or romantic without being sexual, or both or neither! The point is choice. And honesty.
And just for the record: people in monogamous relationships can and do sleep around too; it’s just called cheating. The difference in polyamory is that everything is done with consent and transparency. That’s not an “excuse”, that’s actually the opposite of sneaking around.
So if part of the way someone does polyamory includes casual sex that feels good, safe, and aligned for everyone involved? Amazing. Let’s stop being weird about it.
Myth #4: “It’s cheating.”
This one always makes me pause. Because cheating, by definition, is breaking a mutual agreement. In polyamory, the agreements are different, but they still exist. In fact, they’re usually more clearly named than in a lot of monogamous relationships where the “rules” are assumed but never really talked about.
Cheating still happens in polyamory. But so does honesty. And when things go wrong, it’s not because polyamory “doesn’t work.” It’s because humans are messy, and relationships take work; no matter what shape they take.
What If Monogamy Was Never Really a Choice?
One of the things my wife and I keep coming back to is this: Was monogamy ever really a choice for us? For most of our lives, it wasn’t. It was assumed. Expected. Spiritualised. The only option that “honoured God” and kept us safe from temptation or failure.
But when you’ve only ever been shown one path, you don’t really know what you’d choose if given options.
Deconstructing monogamy hasn’t been about rejecting commitment or throwing away our relationship. It’s been about making space for honesty. For autonomy. For relationships that reflect who we are now, not just who we were taught to be.
Polyamory might not be for everyone. And that’s okay. Monogamy can be beautiful when it’s chosen freely and with care. But when it’s prescribed without question, it stops being a relationship model, and starts being a form of control.
Final Thoughts (For Now)
If you’re here, reading this, maybe you’re curious. Maybe you’re questioning. Maybe you’ve always felt a little tug somewhere inside that said, is this really the only way to love?
To you, I just want to say: you’re allowed to explore. You’re allowed to question. You’re allowed to unlearn the stories that don’t fit anymore—and replace them with ones that do.
Next up, I’ll share more about our personal journey; what led us to this point, what surprised us, and why we wouldn’t go back.
But for now, I’d love to know:
Have you ever had a moment where you started to question monogamy as the default? Jump over to Insta and let me know – @anchoredcounsellingservices