I used to lead worship when I was part of the church, and worship music was a huge part of my personal life and relationship with God. I often will describe music as the language of my soul. There was an element of self-empowerment that came from worship and music in general. However as I look deeper, I realised that it wasn’t empowering at all.
Even still to this day, I have hymns and songs play in my head. Each time that happens I am jolted, by how naturally they still come to me and by how my body viscerally reacts to the words.
The Lyrics Seem Suss…
It’s strange to me now how I used to find the words to the songs comforting, how I used to use them as prayer over my own life. Strange, because the lyrics are actually pretty fucked up.
This morning I had the hymn ‘Trust & Obey’ pop into my head. I will pop some of the lyrics below..
Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies
But His smile quickly drives it away
Not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear
Can abide while we trust and obeyOh, Trust and obey, for there’s no other way
To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obeyThen in fellowship sweet we will sit at His feet
Don Moen – Trust & Obey
Or we’ll walk by His side in the way
What He says we will do, where He sends we will go
Never fear, only trust and obey
What jumps out at me is the lack of autonomy and the reinforced belief that our feelings are not to be trusted or felt. It’s no wonder we have no idea how to trust ourselves; when we were taught that we cannot trust and obey God while experiencing doubt or fear.
Requiring complete devotion, obedience and trust, leads to a level of self-abandonment that only those who have experienced it will understand. No relationship whether with a human or a divine should require you to abandon yourself. Thats not based on love its based on submission.
The Facebook Prayer Memory
I stumbled across a Facebook memory today that read:
Take me Lord… break me God.. take my heart and make it new… shape me Lord.. use me God… all I am I give to you!!
Me from 14 years ago
14 years ago I was 19 years old. I was so desperate for God to make me new because I spent everyday suppressing my sexuality and my identity. These were what my prayers looked like though. My mentors or Christian friends would have praised me for such devotion and dedication.
More self-abandonment.
It’s not exactly shocking that we struggle to trust ourselves when we’re constantly singing tunes about trusting and obeying God exclusively, and when our prayers revolve around phrases like “break me,” “use me,” and “make my heart new.” It’s hard to foster trust in ourselves when we’re taught that our fears can’t coexist with trust.
The Opposite Of Self-Abandonment
The opposite of self-abandonment is self-acceptance or self-empowerment. It’s about embracing and honouring your own needs, desires, and boundaries, rather than neglecting or sacrificing them for others or for God.
I won’t lie, this process is hard and I am still learning myself. Slow is fast and self-compassion is needed, you wont get it right all the time and that’s okay. Perfection is not required nor is it helpful or attainable.
Start With The Basics
- Listen to Yourself: Pay attention to what your body and mind are telling you. If you’re tired, rest. If you’re hungry, eat. It’s about honoring your basic needs.
- Be Kind to Yourself: Treat yourself like you would treat a friend. Offer yourself words of encouragement and comfort when you’re feeling down.
- Say No When You Need To: Don’t feel obligated to say yes to everything. It’s okay to decline invitations or requests that don’t align with your needs or values.
- Do Things You Enjoy: Take time to engage in activities that bring you joy, whether it’s reading a book, taking a walk, or spending time with loved ones.
- Take Care of Your Body: Get enough sleep, eat nourishing foods, and move your body in ways that feel good to you.
- Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge even the smallest achievements and successes. It could be as simple as completing a task or trying something new.
For those who also value the power of music; I have found comfort in the music and lyrics of artists like Noah Kahan, Maddie Zahm and Missy Higgins. There is so much music our there – allow yourself to explore beyond the confines of worship.
Support Is Key
Surrounding yourself with people who can understand, validate and support you is the key to both healing and sanity.
I have a podcast where I interview others about their story of religious trauma and deconstruction. It can be beneficial to hear other people’s stories – it helps us to not feel so alone. You can listen to episodes of Beyond the Surface here.
If you would like one-on-one therapy support you can reach out to me using this contact form.