I think most people in Australia right now, know the 2 names Jesse Baird & Luke Davies. We know their names because of a heartbreaking reality – that their lives were tragically taken in a really horrific way. If you don’t know this story – you can find details here.
This is particularly painful for the LGBTQIA+ Community. If you are anything like me this past week, Jesse & Luke have not left my heart and mind. We are angry, sad, heartbroken, confused; ultimately we are grieving. Collective grief is real, valid and painful.
Grief is a universal experience. When it becomes collective, its impact reverberates through communities, shaping identities, and sparking movements for change. In this exploration, we delve into the nuances of collective grief, with a specific focus on how it intersects with the LGBTQIA+ community’s journey of resilience and remembrance.
What Is Collective Grief?
Collective grief is more than just the sum of individual sorrows; it’s a shared journey through the landscape of loss.
It’s the collective exhale in the wake of tragedy, the communal tears shed for lives lost too soon, and the need to honour their memories. Whether it’s mourning the victims of a hate crime, grappling with the devastation of a pandemic, or confronting the legacy of systemic injustice, collective grief binds us together in our shared humanity.
LGBTQIA+ Collective Grief
For the LGBTQIA+ community, collective grief is a familiar companion on a journey marked by resilience and resistance.
From the shadows of Stonewall to the ongoing fight for equality, the community has weathered its share of storms. Each leaving behind a trail of tears and triumphs. Yet, the intersectionality of identities within the LGBTQIA+ spectrum adds layers of complexity to the experience of collective grief.
We as a community are not only grieving the loss of Jesse & Luke; we are navigating the oppression of the Police Force as an institution. As well as the betrayal from the Sydney Mardi Gras Board, having back flipped on their decision. There are many conversations right now, about their role in Mardi Gras. I want to make mention of it despite it not being the point of this blog.
For the record, the safety both emotionally and physically of the Queer community comes first – always. So as an institution, the Police Force have no place at Pride.
Amplified Loss
Within the LGBTQIA+ community, collective grief intersects with a myriad of identities, each carrying its own weight of discrimination and marginalisation.
LGBTQIA+ individuals of colour, for example, face compounded barriers to acceptance and access to resources. Leading to disproportionate rates of violence, health disparities, and economic insecurity. Transgender and gender-nonconforming individuals often bear the brunt of discrimination and violence. Both within and outside the LGBTQIA+ community, resulting in tragically high rates of suicide and homicide.
It is also important that part of this conversation is the complexity it brings that the alleged was a police officer. The people that we are told to trust and seek help from, particular in cases of domestic abuse are unsafe people for the LGBTQIA+ Community. We are currently not having this conversation enough, and it certainly needs to continue long past this tragedy.
The Challenges Of Grief In The Media
In cases like the death of Jesse & Luke; we are watching this play out very publicly. It can be easy to get overwhelmed by the emotion and the information. Being able to monitor the amount of exposure you have is really key to looking after yourself and your loved ones. It is okay to put down your phone, and turn off the TV; you are not a bad person and you don’t need to feel guilty for that.
Just like when a celebrity dies, we have this inner conflict around whether we should be grieving at all. It’s hard, because I didn’t know Jesse or Luke; I don’t even know anyone who did know them. Yet, the mere sight of their image stirs up a well of emotion for me. It brings up thoughts and feelings connected to the saying ‘I can’t believe I still have to protest this shit’ – which is two-fold. On one hand there is a very important conversation around domestic abuse in LGBTQIA+ relationships that needs to be had, and secondly they are 2 more lives being added to the long list of lost members of my community.
So How Do We Handle It?
In the face of collective grief, both personally and as a community, navigating the stormy seas of sorrow requires courage, compassion, and community. Here are some strategies for finding solace amidst the waves:
- Listen to the voices of those within the LGBTQIA+ Community: It is crucial to prioritise and listen to Queer voices. These voices offer unique perspectives, experiences, and insights that are essential for understanding the multifaceted nature of grief within the LGBTQIA+ spectrum. By centring Queer voices in conversations about collective grief, we honour the diversity of identities, intersectionalities, and lived realities within the community, creating a more inclusive and empathetic approach to healing and resilience.
- Honouring the Journey: Recognise that grief is a non-linear journey, with ups and downs, twists and turns. Remember, there is no right way to grieve. Allow yourself and others the space to grieve authentically, free from judgment or expectation.
- Seeking Support: Lean on your support networks, whether it’s friends, family, or fellow community members. Sharing your grief with others can lighten the burden and remind you that you’re not alone in your sorrow, it can also let others know that they are not alone also. Grief shouldn’t be an isolating experience. LGBTQIA+ affirming therapists, support groups, and online communities can also provide invaluable resources and validation.
- Cultivating Resilience: Draw strength from the resilience of the LGBTQIA+ community, our history is a testament to the power of collective action and solidarity. In times of grief, let the stories of resilience inspire you to persevere and advocate for change. Participate in activism, engage in self-care practices, and celebrate the victories, no matter how small.
- Creating Safe Spaces: Foster spaces of healing and remembrance within your community, where you can come together to honour the memories of those lost and reaffirm your commitment to a brighter, more inclusive future. Whether it’s organising a candlelight vigil, hosting a community art project, or creating a memorial fund, find ways to pay tribute to the lives that have touched yours.
What Now?
Grief is hard, collective or otherwise – so be gentle and kind with yourself as you move through it.
If you would like to reach out to book a session, you can do so here. I work online worldwide (except US & Canada)
Helplines
- QLife – National Support for LGBTQIA+ people – 3pm-12am Everyday – 1800 184 527
- Full Stop – Rainbow Sexual, Domestic & Family Violence Helpline – 1800 497 212
- Lifeline – 24hr Crisis Support for all ages – Nationwide – 13 11 14
- Suicide Callback – If you are experiencing thoughts of self-harm or suicide – 1300 659 467
- 13YARN – 24hr Crisis Support for Aboriginal & Torres Strait Islander people – 13 92 76
- Kid Help Line – 24hr Counselling for people under 25 – 1800 55 1800