In this deeply personal blog, I want to explore the harmful nature of purity culture. I aim to shed light on the complexities and challenges of purity culture.
I was taught the confines of purity culture in the church and taught that men and women had different standards. Women are expected to uphold purity and men are given a pass for their actions. This distorted belief system perpetuated the idea that men were inherently better, more righteous, and less prone to immoral behaviour.
The Harrowing Experience
One very normal and average day; I found myself at the receiving end of sexual harassment. It was someone I thought of as a friend, the son of an elder, he was kind and friendly. He showed interest in perhaps being more than friends one day, that very normal average day, but it very quickly went south when the conversation turned sexual. Fetishising the fact that I was bisexual, he wanted me to detail sexual acts I wanted to do with women and he stated that he wanted to have sex. I declined still only wanting to explore the possibility of a relationship or dating.
He became extremely forceful and started sending explicit messages; insisting that he would come and pick me up and we could have sex in his car on his farm. Despite firmly stating that I did not want anything to happen; I continued to receive forceful and explicit text messages for a further week.
The shock and confusion that followed were overwhelming. I felt betrayed, violated, and utterly alone. I knew that there was no way anyone was going to believe me that he would act this way. Who he was, was sure to play a role. The ingrained notion that men could do no wrong made it difficult for me to process what had occurred. I questioned my own judgment and wondered who would believe me.
The Impact of Purity Culture
For those of you who don’t know; I will catch you up on what purity culture is.
Purity culture refers to a set of beliefs and practices that promote strict sexual abstinence, particularly until marriage. It emphasises the preservation of an individual’s sexual purity. It often imposes rigid gender roles and expectations, placing a heavier burden on women to uphold their purity and modesty.
Purity culture tends to perpetuate the idea that any form of sexual activity outside of heterosexual marriage is sinful and morally wrong.
Purity culture not only perpetuates harmful gender stereotypes but also silences victims and protects the perpetrators. Their experiences invalidated, and their voices silenced. It places the responsibility on women to remain pure and not act/dress in a way that would tempt your brothers in Christ.
This culture of silence and victim-blaming only serves to perpetuate the cycle of abuse and trauma.
Finding Healing and Empowerment
I’d love to tell you that this experience led to me beginning the process of deconstruction, but it didn’t. I continued as if nothing happened, avoiding places or situations where I knew he would be. Only telling one close friend, I continued to tell myself that what happened was a part of God’s plan. Wanting a lesson in it to remind me to pray more, to be more devoted to God.
I truly believed that was teaching me a lesson by going through this. Only recently did I come to terms with how messed up this thinking was.
Eventually, I realised that I could no longer be a prisoner of purity culture’s oppressive beliefs. I sought solace in therapy, friends and online communities that fostered empathy and a healthy sense of sex and sexuality. Breaking free from the chains of this harmful ideology allowed me to reclaim my voice and start the healing process.
Sharing my story is about raising awareness and empowering others who may have experienced similar traumas. Let’s challenge the narratives of purity culture, dismantle gender bias, and create spaces where survivors are heard and supported.
By breaking the silence, we can pave the way for change and work towards a society that believes, validates, and supports survivors.
Support
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