Have you ever had that feeling where you just know that you need a good cry? Where you purposely put on a ad movie, or sad music so that you could get it all out?
That was what I would do every Easter. That might seem strange to some, but for those who have been knee deep in organised religion will understand. There was always a song that did it for me – ‘Why’ by Nicole Nordeman. Why that song? Well, the song is all about why Jesus had to die on the cross – culminating to to the point in the song where I, you, we became the reason why.
You might be thinking, well that sounds awful; why would you want to listen to a song like that?
This song, reminded me of what I needed to remember. I needed to remember that I was such a sinful and broken human that Jesus (who was innocent) needed to shed his blood and give his life as a sacrifice.
Never Ending Guilt
Imagine that level of guilt. That someone needed to be murdered for me; and that it was someone innocent and I was at fault.
I was reminded of this every Sunday at Church, we did communion every week. It was a time where I was to be reflective and be thankful for the ‘gift of the cross’, the ‘gift of salvation’, the ‘gift of grace’
A gift? How was this a gift? Thoughts I would never have pondered at the time.
When I was a devout Christian, I was thankful; sometimes so thankful that I was overwhelmed with emotion. But, I was also full of guilt and anxiety. Every time we had communion or Easter came around, I was riddled with this anxiety – “what if I wasn’t worth it?”, “what if I screw up too much?”, or “what if I wasn’t grateful enough?”.
This never ending guilt sat in the pit of my stomach, eating away each and every week. Like clockwork, I drew it out like a moth to a flame; and using my own guilt and self-loathing against me as though that made me more holy, or my righteous. I was consciously making myself suffer for God.
The Easter Bunny…I Mean Story
I made a particular point to do this at Easter, this was the time to really suffer, to really feel that guilt and to be really really grateful. Those who have been a part of a Christian Church, will understand what a big deal Easter is.
There were many times I wished I could buy a chocolate Easter bunny, a new pair of PJ’s and enjoy the long weekend. Alas that was not what my life looked like.
It’s not only a time of personal reflection, it is a time of evangelism – think like ‘retail worker on Christmas Eve’ kind of evangelism. Everything must lead to telling people about this marvellous gift.
I remember once trying to watch the motion picture ‘The Passion of the Christ’ because I knew it what other ‘good christians’ were doing. It ended with me violently crying to the point of vomiting; because of graphic nature but also because I was the reason it happened.
I was never all that good at evangelism, so instead I tried to ‘live like Jesus’ and to do it that way. This involved extra devotional time, making sure all the music I listened to was about the gospel, extended prayer time, and the song I mentioned above ‘Why’.
Why.. Why Did I Keep Listening To This Song?
The song was poetic, Nicole had a beautiful voice, but most of all the song induced sobbing. Particularly the last verse, which you can read below.
My precious son, I hear them screaming.
‘Why’ – Nicole Nordeman
I’m watching the face of the enemy beaming.
But soon I will clothe you in robes of my own.
Jesus, this hurts me much more than you know,
But this dark hour, I must do nothing,
Though I’ve heard your unbearable cry.
The power in your blood destroys all of the lies;
Soon you’ll see past their unmerciful eyes.
Look, there below, see the child
Trembling by her father’s side.
Now I can tell you why…
She is why you must die.
Looking back on this now, I feel very differently. I can’t imagine a Father watching their Son murdered and doing nothing about it. I can’t imagine a world where blood shed is the answer. A world where I worship a God who is that cruel. I can’t imagine myself ever inducing that level of guilt and anxiety for just existing.
The Ultimate Redemption
It took a lot of healing, wrestling, and tears to not feel triggered and shaken by Easter. Now it is a 4 day weekend, I am no longer bound by the shackles of guilt and confession.
Redemption does not just come on Easter Sunday; it comes every time you choose yourself. Every time you choose authenticity over conformity. Every time you remember that you in fact do not need redeeming at all – but that you are inherently worthy already.
If this is something that you are still wrestling with please know that it is okay. You do not have a time frame and you do not owe anyone an explanation for your curiosity and questions.
If you would like to explore this with a Religious Trauma Therapist; I currently have availability. You can reach out to me via this contact form.
To listen to other people’s stories around Religious Trauma & Deconstruction; check out my podcast Beyond the Surface. You can find it on all major podcast platforms.